Sans Hook Up

Last night was a Friday night. It doesn’t take rocket science to figure out what I was doing.

It was my friend’s birthday, and his guy friends had planned a huge night for him. He probably was close to having alcohol poisoning by the time we left the dorm. Nevertheless, he was having a great time and probably feeling overwhelmingly loved. I mean, how else could you feel when people had put up signs around the dorm about your birthday, and told everyone not to let you pay for one drink? So all us ladies put on our best looks and hopped on for the party. I did follow what I wrote about last – I did the makeup I wanted, wore the clothes I wanted, and I was feelin’ good.

The night was fun, not as fun as it could have been (our favorite bar was closed). But it was definitely a good night, not a bad one. And it’s surprising that I do think it was good.

I didn’t hook up with anyone. Usually this equals an unsuccessful night for me, but I’m just not worried about it anymore. I acted a little crazy, only spent $2, and had a nice time after smoking a cigar with some of the bros (one of which I have previously hooked up with, but that’s cool).

So what does this mean? Breakthrough?

Or am I still hung up on the guy that screwed me over, the one where I relationship was between one random hook up and a “thing.” And he gave me money for beer. And he was nice. And he tweeted something really odd that night. But what should I care?

I know I shouldn’t. And I tell myself I don’t. Because I know he’s already over it, and even if he isn’t, he’ll assume I am and then move on and not do anything about it. Because that’s how boys and girls are different.

Girls hold onto things much longer, and for much less reason. Why is it that we will contemplate and obsess over something that we know probably wouldn’t be forever anyways? Or even be that great? Or right?

So what should I care? Even if he did ever say he wanted me, wouldn’t the right thing be to say no? I need to hold onto my pride, have respect for myself as a woman… but temptation is so easy to give into.

And sometimes we just get lonely. Which is what holds us down in society still. We don’t need boys… but we need boys. We need someone. And at times, it seems like anyone will do.

I’ve lived through a lot. I can persevere. I can make it through any number of tough times. I’m a girl that’s grown up without a mother since age twelve.

But yet it’s so hard to get this boy out of my head. And before him, there were others. And I’m not one to always need a boyfriend. I have one for a bit, and when it’s over I usually am single for a year or so. I give myself recovery time.

But still, it would feel so nice to just be able to depend on someone for once.

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About margaretviolet

"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before." - Mae West
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